This year, we will clock the 1,000 mark as far as taking couples through premarital counselling is concerned. We are currently at 970. That is 1940 individuals. We have done this over four years via twelve seasons of premarital classes. When you interact with nearly 1,000 couples who are about to enter the marriage institution, you learn a few things. You hear encouraging stories and you hear devastating ones. You see break-ups that are breakthroughs and make-ups that are mess ups. You see good marriages start and you see good marriages last. You see bad marriages start and bad marriages end. After several emails, Zoom calls, Q and A sessions, retreats, and speaking engagements, it becomes easy to pick trends that lead to the breaking of marriages. Today I would like to highlight one that often goes unmentioned— parents. Yes, you heard right; the parents of the couple can play a huge role in the establishment of a horrible marriage. When I say parents I don’t mean them as in-laws. I mean them before they become in-laws. In-laws intereference with marriages is a whole other blog. But I want to focus on parental influence before the chilkdren walk down the aisle. This story below represents what I have witnessed too often.
I met a woman in her sixties who had a terrible son. He wasted his salary on alcohol and would go broke before the second week of the new month. It was a wonder he had not been fired. I only later found out that the job he had was in an organisation that belonged to his mother’s friend. The mother’s friend was fulfilling a favour or debt of some sort by employing the irresposible son. The son knew this but showed no effort to keep the job. His truancy and irresponsible behaviour were ruining the relationship that his mother had with her friend, the employer. He had been demoted twice and was still underperforming in the company. The mother had warned her son that if he got fired, he would be on his own. But the son knew it was an empty threat. This wasn’t the first job she had gotten him. It if failed, mom would always come through.
The mother was keen to ensure that the son was never fired. She woke him up everyday to go to work because he often overslept from late nights of watching movies. She would even drive him to the office so that he would not be late. She put in a plea to her friend to be patient with her boy. She said that her boy was just stressed but he was very intelligent. The boy’s father who had died had left the family in a good state financially, but most of the wealth had been squandered by the son’s reckless living. Apart from all this, the mother had bailed the son from police cells after his careless weekend drinking sprees. She had paid bail. When she couldn’t pay bail, she had bribed officials at the courts. This woman said this to her friend one day, “My son just needs a good woman to take care of him. When he gets a wife, he will settle down. You know I also took care of his father. He wasn’t the best husband. That’s why God made wives to be helpers to men.”
The son eventually met a nice girl that he fell in love with. For a moment, he showed remarkable change. It did not help that this new girlfriend was enamoured with a saviour complex. She beheld the idea that she was saving him from his chaotic life, so she dated him. God had sent her to his life for a reason, she reasoned. The boy’s improvement affirmed the mother’s idea about him getting a wife. What the girlfriend did not know was that the boy was putting up this act to impress the girl. The boy assured the girl that he had access to the dad’s inheritance. He was even willing to marry in the next few months. The girl was sold. Her therapy had worked; she had changed the man and she was about to get rewarded for it with a wedding. The boy’s mother had seen this trend before. She had seen girls come and go. She had seen the phase where the girl gets on board and is convinced that she had found Mr. Right. But she knew her son. She knew that a tiger never abandons his stripes. To ensure that this girl doesn’t get way, she showered her with gifts and made her feel at home. She even expedited the wedding process. At some point the boy’s behaviour began to rear its ugly head and the girl was frustrated. She had asked for a break in the relationship. The mother caught wind of the potential breakup and intervened. She lectured her son infront of the girl and gave her assurance that if anything goes wrong she could always talk to mama. In private she cautioned her son not to mess up this relationship. The boy and the girl got married. And after the wedding, the real ugliness of the man revealed itself. The mother felt accomplished, the son felt supported while the girl felt duped.
In C.S. Lewis’ fictional book, The Great Divorce, he talks of a woman who was hindered from entering the gates of heaven on account of her obsession with her son. She didn’t care about the promises of God or the pleasures of Christ. All she wanted was her son. In fact, she was even angry with the LORD for having taken her son away from her. The angels and saints compelled her to lay down her anger and be joined with her son in heaven but she would have none of it. She wanted her son on her terms and not on heaven’s terms. In the end, she was separated from her son for eternity. The book highlights the problem of idolising children. To some parents, their sons and daughters are everything. And when their sons and daughters are everything, they are willing to deceive another human being to be part of bearing the burden of an ill-mannered child that they will neither correct nor rebuke.
However, in all honesty, a bad child did not start being troublesome when they couldn’t keep a job. Bad children have their bad behaviour tolerated and encouraged while they are very young. I currently have three children. I often wonder whom they will marry. I am not worried about their behaviour to their spouses. Why? I am determined to raise them well. I teach them to be kind, to apologise, to respect boundaries and to live by their Christian faith. What worries me is their future spouses. Inasmuch as I hope to teach my children to marry well, I can’t help but note that there is a chance that they may meet some leeches like the son in the above story. What can we do as parents so that we do not ruin our children’s future marriages?
1. Count the long term cost of not disciplining your children
The cost of not disciplining children is too high. If you are silent when your child is lazy, you will reap a burden of a grown-up son or daughter. If you are silent when your child is sexually active outside of marriage, you will reap a pervert of a grown-up son or daughter. If you are silent when your child is abusing drugs, you will reap a den of demonic oppression in a grown-up son or daughter. Parents, you will always reap what you sow. Not only that- you will reap where you sow. There’s more- you will reap after you sow. Finally- you will reap more than you sow. Count the long term cost. If you raise your children your can spoil your grandchildren. But if your spoil your children, your may end up raising your grandchildren. Indisciplined children can be the bane of your existence.
Proverbs 17:25 says “A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the mother who bore him.” (NIV).
Your latter parenting days can be arduous and full of pain.
2. Let children face the consequences for their trouble
When this woman in the story talked to me about her troublesome son, she told me of how she kept bailing him out of police cells. The counsel I gave her shocked her.
“Don’t ever bail him out again. Let him spend the weekend in the cell.”
She protested, “And what if he ends up losing his job?”
I replied calmly and firmly, “Then so be it.”
Even if the repurcussion is prison, so be it. Friends, listen. If you raise bad children, you must be willing to let them pay for their bad behaviour. To enhance your children’s weaknesses by bailing them out of trouble is to further encourage their bad behaviour. If anything you may be delaying their rehabilitation.
Proverbs 23:13-14 says “Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, And deliver his soul from hell.” (NKJV).
For each time you bail him out, you pave the road for his or her soul to hell.
3. Take responsibility for your part and repent
Parents are not always innocent people who did everything possible but got kids who made bad choices. While that does happen at times, the truth is that some children are notorious on account of our failure as parents. The Bible says Adonijah, son of King David, attempted to crown himself, take over the kingdom and everything his father built. The Bible tells us that this arrogant entitlement came from the fact that David never rebuked him.
1 Kings 1:6 His father had never rebuked him by asking, “Why do you behave as you do?” He was also very handsome.” (NIV).
Adonijah had never heard the word ‘no’ from his dad. And we can guess why. The Bible says he was very handsome. Parents often get enamoured by the vain qualities of children- an eloquent orator, a talented sportsperson, a giften musician, an attractive face, a top academic student etc. These qualities are not bad at all. However, they often become sources of vanity for children and parents get impressed too easily. The vanity overtakes the need for discipline. So you end up raising the next Mozzart who cannot put their manners back in. Parents like King David forget to extrapolate bad behaviour in children. The tempter tantrums you see at age three may look cute, but they will be disgusting at age 30. Always extrapolate. If you haven’t extrapolated, repent and recourse.
4. Understand that your success in other areas of life means nothing
Good uncle but horrible dad. Present wife but absent mother. Employee of the year but abusive parent of the century. Sorts out fighting adults in legal battles but can’t mediate between arguing children. Never misses a company dinner but always absent for parent-teacher meetings. What is happening? We have become succesful failures! We succeed everywhere else except where it matters the most- with our children. At times, we are forced to choose between our work and the kids. My counsel will get me cancelled, but here it is- always choose the kids. Forego promotions so that children are raised well. Forego trips outside the country to be more available to your children. Forego being away in another continent pursuing futher studies if it will separate you from your family. If possible, fight to have both. Nobody says you cannot be away in another continent with your whole family. At times we don’t think it is possible because we do not try. And if it is impossible, my counsel remains- forego it. Your success in other areas of life does not compensate for your failure in parenting.
5. Raise a child that your future in-laws would be proud of
While many parents are obsessed with getting good spouses for their kids, focus on raising a good spouse for someone’s kid. This world is too obessed with taking and too unimpressed with giving. Far be it that your future in-laws summon you because your violent son or daughter violated their child. Far be it that your future in-laws curse your family for beginning a new trend of weak marriages in their bloodline. Far be it that your future in-laws have to hear sordid details on sexual escapades from an immoral offspring that carries your name. Jordan B. Peterson in his book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos says this, “Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them.” Therein lies the gold. You are called to be a parent to your children not to be their bestfriend. Raise a gold standard spouse.
6. Deal with your own baggage
The truth is that your personal baggage will show up in your parenting. Your traumas, your biases and your unhealed hurts will influence how you raise your kids. While psychological therapy goes soul-deep, please undertand that the Gospel goes spirit-deep. Soul work must be preceded by spirit work. The longlasting solution to healing starts in repenting of our sins and receiving salvation through Christ. If a therapist handles the healing of your soul, but your spirit is still in enmity with God, then you have merely fixed a present problem but postponed an eternal problem. At the heart of our broken world is the problem of sin. And as we do recommend therapy for the soul, we affirm that it cannot redeem you spiritually back to God, the ultimate healer. Only the blood of Jesus can do that. Christ died on the cross so that our sins can be atoned for. The new life in Christ is powered by the Spirit that raised Christ from the dead. Start your healing spirit deep. After you have done that, apply and obey biblical principles. I have had several people go through our spiritual inner healing sessions, where we point people to apply the truth of God’s word in them. Some have been brazen enough to say that obedience to the scriptures saved them thousands they would have spent in therapy. That said, we are aware that therapy can also offer healing solutions to many; we just advocate for the spiritual work to be done first.
7. Tell your children the truth
If you child is about to marry a horrible person, tell them. And tell them plainly. Don’t give them a parable. Tell them plainly. In my time helping unmarried couples, I don’t shy to tell a person the truth if they are making a mistake in marrying someone. If they do go ahead, I respect their decision, but I wash my hands clean. I do tell them that if they return to me as a married couple, I will lay most of my weight towards remaining in the marriage (unless in bizarre circumstances such as physical violence where I will recommend separation for the sake of safety). The dynamics are very different after you say ‘I do.’ However, in the event that a union is not officialised in heaven and on earth, parents should muster the courage to tell their children all the red flags that they see. Dowry can be returned. Wedding tuxedos and dresses can be worn on other occassions. Money spent can be recouped. Shame can be endured for a season. Whatever you do, counsel your child to marry well. Do not assume that they are marrying peacefully; ask them if they are sure. Tell them the naked truth. In unfortunate circumstances, I have witnessed parents tell their children to just proceed to marry bad partners because the parents want grandchildren. How selfish! I have witnessed parents tell their children to just get married to anyone because after all no marriage works, and those that claim that theirs work are lying. The nerve! The parents just want to show their friends that their children are married. Parents who lie to their children will account for their counsel before God.
Matthew 12:36 “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (NIV)
So, those are seven things parents should do to stop destroying their children’s future marriages. Can you think of others?
