On the 1st of September 2012, Waturi and I exchanged our vows on the lawns of Brackenhurst Limuru. How a dozen years have passed by befuddles me! The journey has peaked north and sunk south. The net effect has been a grateful journey that I would not wish to take with anyone else but Waturi. In the good and the tough, the faithfulness of God has sustained us on account of our faith in Christ Jesus through believing the Gospel. I could speak elaborately on the themes of being a husband. However, I thought I could briefly share more extensively on the 12 years together. Below are 12 things I have learned from 12 years of marriage!
1. Your vows don’t make you capable; they make you accountable
I have realised that the strength of my marriage is not measured by my ability to speak vows to my wife; rather it is measured by my capacity to fulfill those vows. Stating “for better for worse” sounds romantic when you are dolled up in a white gown and a tuxedo. But when the guests are gone, it tests what you are truly made of. Only strong moral character will handle the glaring variation between the honeymoon and life’s difficulties. Saying “I do” doesn’t grant you commitment powers; rather, doing it proves that you had the power all along. Don’t show up in marriage powerless and lacking resilience. Resilient people keep their word. Feeble people make excuses. Your vows don’t make you capable; they make you accountable.
2. Before marriage, choose well
Having taken hundreds of couples through premarital counseling, I have come to accept that at times, the success of a premarital class is seen in the end of a courtship relationship. It takes courage to admit that marrying someone could very well be a mistake. The end of an engagement could be the start of self-awareness. The termination of a wedding process could very well be the beginning of a sanctification process. Some break-ups are breakthroughs. Ignoring the glaring signs of a potentially catastrophic marriage because the relationship has got some good times, is similar to not locking your door at night because the neighbourhood has got some pretty nice people. Before you get married you have the freedom to choose your love. After you get married you are only free to love your choice. The decision is fragile; handle with prayer. Choose well
3. After marriage, love well
Just as we lay emphasis on the power of choosing well before marriage, so should we on the power of loving well after marriage. We grossly underestimate the power of showing selfless affection to our spouses. Even if you believe that you married the wrong person, the truth is that you have not given real evidence to your belief until you have selflessly shown affection to your partner without making excuses. But Ernest, it’s hard, you say. So is everything worth fighting for. Do hard things. Don’t wish it was easier; wish you were better. Concerning couples going through hard times in their marriages, the LORD encourages them to love well because it could very well impact their spouses positively. See 1 Corinthians 7:16 “Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?” (NLT)
4. Marriage is tough if you’re selfish
The most basic enemy of any marriage is self-centeredness. If you make it your ambition to seek the good of your spouse, you will be a rare gold-standard spouse. If your spouse does the same, you will both have a uniquely joyous union. However, if you live for yourself at the expense of the comfort of your spouse, you will make an irritating husband or wife. If your spouse does the same, you will have a bad marriage. Christ Jesus taught that it is better to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). Jesus also exemplified this by stating that He primarily came to earth to serve His bride as opposed to seeking to be served by her (Mark 10:45). Consider this: You are happy in marriage when you are being served by your spouse; you are happier in marriage when you are serving your spouse; you are happiest in marriage when you are serving one another. Marriage is tough if you’re selfish.
5. Whatever age you marry, embrace the necessary work
After examining my own marriage and having taken hundreds of couples through premarital counseling, I have come to realise that each married couple will have their own unique work to do based on when they marry. Marrying young may make it arguably easier to put your money together as a couple but the necessary work will be to grow your wealth together. Marrying later may give you the advantage of starting off financially stronger as a couple, but it will be arguably harder to merge your wealth when you are used to managing it alone. Marrying younger may give you the luxury of raising children with youthful strength. Marrying later may deny you that luxury and require you to consider to have children sooner than later. We married young. When I’m at the end of my thirties, my eldest daughter will be entering her teenage years. Whatever age you marry, embrace the necessary work.
6. Pay attention to your spouse
One of the joys of holy matrimony is having a committed partner in the journey. This joy is enhanced when you pay attention to them changing. We see our fictional movie characters change. We see them timid and anxious at the start of a film. We then see them grow through the challenges they face to become courageous and resilient at the tail end. The concept is true for life as well. Your spouse is always changing. The books they read, the people they interact with and the experiences they go through mould them. If you pay attention, you will see the moulding. And if you act wisely on what you see, you will enjoy the lifelong process of living with this person. Waturi and I have set a system to pay attention to each other. We have weekly 2-hour meetings (on Tuesday evenings) to check in with each other. In that meeting we pray together, read the scriptures together, catch up on how we are and talk about the marriage. It has helped up to be updated and in touch with each other. Pay attention to your spouse.
7. Pain and suffering can build your union
Our pain-resistant culture denies us the gift of resilience. The sooner you accept that pain and suffering are a normal part of our broken and sinful world, the easier it is to trust God through the tragedy and allow Him to mould you- not just individually, but also as a couple. Some of the painful experiences that Waturi and I have gone through as a couple include our firstborn daughter being kidnapped, thieves breaking into our house and our son fighting for his life in the ICU. We have had couples around us who have faced worse tragedies such as losing a child to death, getting a doctor’s report concerning an incurable illness, losing a parent etc. A common reality in couples who are resilient is this- the tragedies make their union stronger. It pays to have a partner who doesn’t become your enemy when tragedy arises. It pays more to have one who doesn’t turn against God when pain and suffering abounds.
8. Marry a team player
Imagine the marital journey like a roadtrip. Now imagine at each stop of the roadtrip, seeing great sights and having great experiences. Now imagine that the person you are travelling with is the least invested and enthusiastic about it all. Imagine asking them where they want to go next and they simply shrug their shoulders. Imagine them constantly lamenting how they are bored. Imagine you trying your level best to get them excited about the next sight or the next experience. Imagine them saying “whatever!” as they drag along. Imagine hearing them complain about almost everything and how they wish they went back home. What a bummer, right? A marriage can look like that, unfortunately. It can feel one-sided with one partner pulling the weight and the other slumping as they are pulled. Marry a team player. Team players don’t ask how little they can invest and reap the most out of it all. A team player knows that if they don’t do their part, they lose. And if they don’t help their partner, they lose as well. I can’t be more grateful to God for the team player Waturi has been.
9. Let Christ and His bride be your model
In a world that is constantly arguing against marriage, do yourself a favour and get a great model. The model of Jesus Christ and His Bride the church trumps all models. Christ the groom loves His bride the church and dies for her unconditionally. That’s the moral example for the husband. The church submits to Christ and respects him unconditionally. Neither Christ nor the church gets into arguments about “you are not doing enough for me.” The true Jesus and the true Church have a pattern of affection that can give husbands and wives a lasting impression when things go wrong in the union. As a husband, when I am having a tough time in my marriage, I ask myself “Am I acting lovingly towards Waturi like Christ would act towards his bride?” And Waturi asks “Am I responding respectfully to Ernest in the way that the church is designed to respect Christ?”
10. The sexual integrity of your life before marriage matters
I can’t emphasize enough how important a life of sexual integrity is. The enemy knows that a lack of integrity in this area is a deep breach of trust between a couple. It’s a knife to the heart of a marriage. I thought the years of singlehood were the real war zone for our sexual chastity. However, the battle never ends. Marriage is a battlefield for purity as well. A couple must be intentional to be sexually intimate frequently and faithful to each other. Temptation strikes and it tests the mettle of a couple. As I have hosted hundreds of couples and examined their unions and my own, I cannot help but realise that the sexual ethos of life before marriage can make the battle easier or harder. To enter holy matrimony with no sexual integrity is to arrive unprepared. Getting married doesn’t magically transform you into a creature of self-control and fidelity. Either you have cultivated the fruit or you haven’t. If you haven’t, you could have damned your marriage even before it began. If you have cultivated purity as a way of life, you will enjoy your marriage; the battle will feel like a worthy cause for your lifelong union instead of a dreadful fight you have to endure.
11. Only foolish spouses treat their partners badly
I cannot begin to tell you the number of unwise spouses I have encountered in my time in ministry. A husband who will move heaven and earth to help a female friend but whine at the thought of doing an errand for his wife. A wife will find it inconveniencing to prepare sexually for her husband but will work unpaid overtime to give her boss a work report. A husband will have dinner with other ladies and accuse the wife of jealousy when she has a problem with the inappropriate meetings. A wife who will quit on her husband the day he loses his job but stand by her immoral girlfriend to the very end of her foolish decisions. It’s the pandemic of foolish spouses- men and women who don’t invest in their spouses and then complain that their marriages don’t blossom. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Remember the principle of sowing and reaping. You reap what you sow. You reap where you sow. You reap after you sow. You reap more than you sow. Why in the world would treat your spouse badly and be shocked at the outcome of a painful marriage?
12. A spouse submitted to accountability is a turn on
I often ask couples this question- who calls you out when you misbehave? Who is unimpressed with your accolades and will read you the riot act when you go unhinged? Who keeps you in check when you are not listening? It’s amazing at the number of people who come for help because their spouses are out of order. It’s even more amazing that the spouse is someone who is not under any kind of accountability? One hallmark of spouses like that is that they refuse to address issues in the marriage yet hate it when their partners go seek counselling as a result. A spouse who is wise in their own eyes is a brewing disaster. You do yourself a great disservice if you are detached from community and are impervious to correction and accountability. You win big when you are intimately connected to community and have given your spouse and other people permission to keep you in check.
12 lessons from 12 years! What was your favourite?
