How far is too far?


Just how far is too far? If you haven’t asked that question in relation to Christian dating, you’ve probably thought of it. How far is too far? Many Christians have asked me this question. Ernest, how far is too far in terms of physical affection in a Christian relationship? Is kissing wrong? Is holding hands okay? I know sex is wrong cause the Bible says it but if I cuddle with my girlfriend on a couch is it wrong?


The Bible gives a very clear verse for this. Ephesians 5:3 “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity or of greed because these are improper for God’s holy people.”

Who are holy people? Let me define HOLY as the Bible does in several contexts. To be Holy is to be set apart. To be different by doing God’s will. To be NOT like the “others.” The “others” in this case is the world beloved. When the Israelites left Egypt God required them to be holy i.e. not like the people in Canaan.

If you look at that verse in Ephesians, you discover that there are 2 things that fight holiness- sexual immorality and greed.

Let’s look at the one in our context. Sexual immorality. The verse says not even a HINT! A hint is a teeny tiny weenie gesture, It’s no big deal. Yet that “no big deal”, GOD says it shouldn’t exist in the believer. I want to assume the hint of sexual immorality to be a mere thought. It can’t get smaller than that can it? Yet even a thought of kissing a woman who isn’t my wife Jesus says in Matthew 5:28 is adultery. If THINKING of kissing Scarlet Johansson is adultery then what is cuddling on a chair with my girlfriend? I think you see where I am going. Our hearts are deceitful, Beloved.

GOD is clear when he says that sexual immorality is unholy and thus it is SIN. So we call it a romantic kiss, GOD calls it SIN. We call it cute cuddling, GOD calls it SIN. We ask how far is too far, GOD asks how blind can we be.

If a tot of strong poison was placed in your cup of juice, would you drink it? No. If a tablespoon of the same strong poison was put in the juice would you still take it? No. If only a teaspoon of the deadly poison was put, now would you take it? No.

Why? Because it is poison! Whether it’s a teaspoon or a cupful, only a fool would drink the spiked juice. Yet, look at how we treat sexuality. A kiss on the cheek is a teaspoon and penetration sex is a cupful. I put it to you that both are poison and both will kill you. Both are sin and will receive the same punishment from GOD. God says no immoral people will have a share of heaven (1st Corinthians 6:9) In that list of immoral people, adulterers exists. Yet we looked at Matthew 5:28 and we see that adulterers are people who just have a lustful thought.

That’s where Jesus comes in. JESUS saves us from that judgment when we give our lives to him and live according to his will. But you say I’m a Christian and I want to have sex. It is true that we are people with sex drives right? We just can’t pretend they are not there. If you are, you need to realize that you are equipped to wait till marriage. You have the spirit of Christ in you, which is a spirit of self control. Bible says in 1st Corinthians 10:13 that there’s no temptation too big that GOD can’t help you overcome. But if you find yourself desiring to pursue the sensuality and not give Jesus a fighting chance, you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you are really born again. That’s between you and God. You can fool Ernest, you can fool the pastor but between you and GOD, you know whether you are really going to heaven or hell fire.

So how far is to far is like asking how much poison must I drink before I start to feel death?

Is kissing outside marriage wrong? Yes. Is sex before marriage wrong? Yes. The reason we fight with this is because we fail to see that we are loved. The love from Christ is stronger than sex or money. We think a kiss will be as magical as Cinderella yet it leaves the girls used and abused. It leaves the guys angry and empty? Why?  Those movies that end with unmarried people kissing in the rain or sunset have good reason to end there. Because after that one kiss is a lifetime of pain and regret. The movie has to end. You actually believe that one night stands leave you smiling and boasting to your friends the next day. God forgive movie-makers because after that romantic kiss in the sunset, the girl doesn’t feels loved. She still wants something deeper. The guy doesn’t feel great. He feels the chick is cheap and easy to get. GOD’s plan for sex is great with pleasure you’ve never imagined, physically, emotionally and spiritually. You have sex in GOD’s timing and it’s something indescribable. I have married friends. They’ve told me. I also have unmarried friends and they’ve told me too. It’s physical and that’s it. The rest is pain. God’s is clean, pure with none of the guilt beloved.

Imagine sex as a chocolate bar to give to your husband or wife on your honeymoon night. Then imagine before the wedding night, you start nibbling bits of it. Will you stop? No. Why? Cause chocolate is damn tasty! Same way guys, nibbling the chocolate is like kissing and doing all those things without eating the whole bar. Can you trust yourself not to eat the whole bar? And even if you could, who wants a half-eaten chocolate bar? Some say I will marry her/him so he will eat it anyway. How sure are you that you will marry them? Secondly, even if you do, you both stand under God’s judgment of sin.

If you cannot wait to eat the chocolate bar, will you exercise control when you are married? If you can’t resist till marriage, you will not resist when another woman who is not your wife seduces you after you are married. Or when another man says sweet nothings to you and you find him in your pants. He will leave you and go on after using your body. Your self control now is actually insuring your marriage guys whether you marry that person or not. So, my wife will want a full bar and a full one she will get.

Holiness is not about how far is too far but how pleasing is what I’m doing to GOD. Search your hearts and turn to God. His plan for you and your sexuality is great! Just give him a chance.

We can overcome.


Ernest is a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband, and a father. He has been married to Waturi since September 2012. They have three children- Thandiwe, Ivanna, and Theo. He is also the author of four books. The Wamboyes are passionate to see the Gospel of Jesus Christ clearly taught and understood in our post-modern world. They are champions of biblical discipleship and furthering the Kingdom of God by transforming one person at a time. They are the founders of The Relationship Centre Ltd (TRC), an organisation that aims to promote biblical family values in contemporary urban communities.

Discussion12 Comments

  1. Hi earnest,
    thnx 4 this article u have answered a great mystery i have had…..i wanted to ask what about sme dances which are so body involving e.g. Salsa n tangle?

  2. Ernest you should also speak about people who have had sex and then gotten saved, do they not deserve the same grace and a good Christian marriage even if the chocolate bar was eaten? should that girl who dint know Christ and had sexual encounters then comes to know him feel worthy enough for a God fearing man?

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