Before I met Waturi, I had kissed a girl. I was 18 and sexy, looking for an equally sexy girl to complete this package. I had a knack for getting bad girls but not this time. This time she was right for me. We met through mutual friends. She was a believer and so was I. What else mattered? She wrote letters to me and I wrote back. A fondness grew. After high school, everyone talked of their girlfriends and of the parties they would attend and the peer pressure got to me. We met and I asked her out. She accepted. It was just after the civil war in Kenya and meeting became quite the conundrum. However, my family moved to the city and it made our meeting possible. One morning, I joined her for breakfast at her house. I knew she would be alone in the house. I had my egoistic moral record straightened out and was proud of it but I was going to ruin it today. Everything told me not to go to her place. The rainy weather tried stopping me, the little cash I had tried harder and most importantly the voice of Christ in my spirit tried hardest.
Don’t go beloved!
I knew I was headed for jeopardy. The voice was clear; a warning from danger of being alone in the room with a girl I wasn’t married to. I didn’t care. I wanted to go! I wanted to be alone with her in that room and I wanted the voice of God out of my head, so I hushed it with a callous retort.
Get out of my head! I know what I’m doing!
The voice of Christ died. The conviction doused. The rain stopped. The cash was enough. I headed to my own demise.
We made out that day. She was to travel that day to see her parents and I escorted her to the station. It was the last time I ever saw her. It was the birth of my guilt. A few months later, I met a girl who would be my wife.
I hadn’t planned to fall in love with Waturi but I did. We were sophomores when I asked her to be my girlfriend but it came with a price. It meant the breaking of her heart. I delayed to ask her out because I knew Waturi’s lips had not touched any other man’s. Mine had. I loved her so hard. I wished to travel back in time to avoid what I did that morning I ignored my conviction. I had to confess to her and I knew it was over. I had lost the perfect wife because of my lust in the past. I tried consoling myself that I wasn’t that bad because I hadn’t had sex. I mean we only kissed, right? Jesus knows our deepest thoughts beloved. He knows our motives and he knows the state of our minds. I knew there was no running from Him. So I didn’t. My pride was punctured and I had messed up great opportunity. When you get into a moment of lust, you may sacrifice 5 minutes of pleasure for a lifetime of regret. Lust has a price and it must be paid in full by the transactor. The consequences and price come in various ways. If an unexpected baby, it may mean your education. If an abortion, it may mean your ability to give birth again. If an STI, it may mean your life-span. But in all these for the believer and follower of Jesus, it may mean your guilt. Waturi accepted me as I was and reminded me of something I had easily forgotten.
I repented of my sin and knew I had to apologise to my old girlfriend. I contacted her in 2011 before I proposed to Waturi. I had already sorted things with Waturi but God wanted me to sort things with the people I hurt. So I texted and she called back. She thought I was about to die and was making my amends. She was right. Ernest died that day and Christ rose. I apologised for that morning for stealing lip-locking intimacy that belonged to her future husband. She didn’t hold it against me because we hadn’t had sex but it didn’t matter. Somehow, I feel, It healed her from a burden too. Furthermore, God was hurt and I had to return to him. He asked me a question that humbled me. He said, If her future husband were to meet you now, would he say “thank you for dating her” or “I wish you two hadn’t met”? I had wronged not only her but also a man I had never met. So I first wrote it in a text.
“…I cannot undo what I did. God is teaching me that the marriage bed is sacred and I owe you an apology for the sake of your future. I am sorry for taking advantage of your body that day.”
She must have thought I was crazy but it was the start of something new. That same month, this blog Pen Strokes was birthed. I asked God to use my experiences to help others grow and desire Him.
But things weren’t fairy tale either. Waturi and I had a great struggle not to get intimate. We were not perfect saints. It was the fight of all time! We fooled a lot in our second year of dating stealing pecks, kisses and hugs that lasted too long, driven by lust. It wasn’t until God painted to us what he wanted of a Christian relationship. I read “I kissed dating goodbye” by Joshua Harris and I knew that I may not have had sex but I was not walking in purity. It’s funny how when you realize that God has a plan for your sexuality and desire to live it, then do you face bigger temptation. Well, if God has a plan for your life, you better be sure, the devil has a plan for you as well.
The enemy just can’t let you have it go well with your soul. This is when Turi and I discovered it was a spiritual battle every Christian must face. Mine was harder. I stripped every girl I liked in my mind and it brought trouble. In two separate incidences, two girls came into my hostel. One to shower (long story!), the other to “hang out.” I escaped both times but I knew it was only a matter of time before I fell. I stepped down from ministry because my walk with God was dying and I even wanted to end the relationship because I was hurting the girl I loved most. Turi warned me of certain girls but my lust never listened. It never does, by the way. You can’t reason with eros. I struggled to keep girls away from me but I never struggled to keep away from them. The truth was I lusted after them. The guilt became unbearable because I knew I may boast to be a virgin but in the light of truth I was a whore at heart. I kept running from compromising situations and temptations and I succeeded. However, I knew that if one more girl, just one more seducing girl came to my hostel, I would cheat on Turi. I wasn’t strong enough. If this was what purity meant, I was done with it. I would stop fighting and just give in. After all, everyone was doing it.
It was at the zenith of my guilt and the nadir of my faith that Christ came through. I prayed and discovered that there was a strong opposition in my spirit-man anytime I prayed to God to fight my lustful thoughts. Anytime I wanted to read the Bible or listen to a message that would help me, there was a distraction. A girl would be knocking at my door. A phone would ring. A movie would download. There was a bed with my name on it.
Waturi and I had visited a good friend of ours in Nakuru called Muthoni. When we were alone in the room, I tried to get intimate with Turi and she resisted.( I got a girl I don’t deserve!) She began to cry. I hated that I made her cry. What was happening to me? I cried to God to help me get rid of this devilish lust. I was broken in my spirit and I knew for a moment in my life, I was weak and helpless. And at that moment, the Spirit of God fell in the room we were in. I felt the strong presence of God and then a tingling began in my feet. It felt like convulsing. Then the tingling rose to my torso. I asked Waturi to pray cause I didn’t know what was happening. My body fell limb and I couldn’t move. There was a demonic presence in the room. I could feel it. I tried moving but I couldn’t. I asked Turi not to stop praying. She was scared. She had no idea what was happening to me. My scared look did not help. I began to move my mouth calling upon the name of Jesus Christ and the tingling increased. Then there was an opposition. The tingling began to resist the upward movement in my body. Turi persisted in prayer and I did too. I finally felt a strong weight leave my body physically and then…peace. Then a voice spoke. The same voice that spoke the day I asked it to get out of my head; the voice of God.
You are free. No power of hell condemns my child.
And it’s then that I knew that my lust had attracted a demonic principality. It all made sense; the casual kisses, the frequent movies I watched with many sexual scenes, the girls I entertained without boundaries in the name of just being friends, the dirty jokes, the dusty Bible, the prayer-less life, the false security of serving in ministry-all these a perfect harbour for the devil’s work.
He came to set the captives free. I have never felt peace like I did that night at Muthoni’s. Immediately, by strength regained and I felt free from a foreign power. I sang out that day and Turi thought I was crazy!
Christ’s grace enabled us to get into marriage without having sex. And inside marriage, do you really see what the world is messing up. Something too beautiful for words to describe. Sex within marriage is a selfless act of giving oneself. Apart from it, it’s a selfish act to receive.
The world makes sex a commodity. And when you buy it, it’s very hard to see it’s value even after you are married. I know the temptation to steal a kiss when no one is watching or to hug a bit longer or to lust and say she’s your girlfriend after all. It’s a lie. Don’t buy it. You don’t see it unless two important things are done
1)The word of God has to be read and the voice of God in it has to hearkened.
2)A change of mind is needed. A certain carnal frame of mind got you into lust. The same frame of mind can’t get you out of it. A lustful frame of mind is a consumer always looking out for the next dealer with a better lust deal! And if you’re not careful, boyfriends and girls won’t do, pornography will. With time, porn won’t do, masturbation will. With time, that won’t do either and affairs will. You will keep buying, looking for an upgrade to your lust but it will leave you to rust. And the chasm is deeper and deeper and will leave your soul bankrupt because lust is a consumer.
Lust is the devil’s alternative to a fulfilling life, not with your future spouse, but with Jesus. Lust destroys the only foundation known that reflects Christ relationship and the Church; marriage. Several statistics quote that pornography and masturbation reduces the desire to marry. Many more researchers are proving that co-habiting increases likelihood of divorce. So marriages (even Christian ones) are wrecked and an avenue to demonstrate Christ’s love for the church is destroyed. But you don’t need the stats to see the light. God lovingly told us thousands of years ago that sex is a covenant gift not a commodity.
Jesus said in Mark 9:34-47
43 If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. 45 And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. 47 And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell
If you’re a believer out there struggling, no matter what point you are in, hear me out. Drastic action needs to be taken to deal with sin. Do not neglect the voice of the Holy Spirit. Change your mind by reading the word daily. And part of some drastic action at times sounds like this: if your relationship causes you to sin… cut it off.
Every relationship you get into, every decision you make without the direction of the Holy Spirit is the start of a mediocre trend.
Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man but the end is destruction.”
It was not a guarantee that I would marry Turi. There’s the lie that the enemy tells believers, “There’s nothing wrong if you have sex. You will get married anyway.” The purchase doesn’t come with a warranty for commitment or a guarantee of marriage. And if the guarantee comes, you can be sure, it will rock a lot of trust. Paul taught in 1st Corinthians 6 that if you become joined in sex, you are one with that person. And if the union is not God-ordained be sure beloved of God, you will have hell on earth trying to end the relationship even when you know it’s destroying you. And if the relationship turns abusive, you will say, “But I love him.” You’re in bondage. You will say, “But I’ll marry her” and yet you will despise her.
If you are intimate with your boyfriend, girlfriend or fiancé/e and are in ministry, step down beloved. Our God is a holy God. In the days of Ananias and Saphirra, living such a lie could mean your death. In the days of Nadab and Abihu, it could mean God’s fire literally consuming you. But we live in days of abundant grace where the fire of God’s spirit that consumes us restores us to Him. Our God is a consuming fire Hebrews 12:29 says. Serving God especially in church gives you a false sense of confidence that you are a good person but we know otherwise.
Ministry doesn’t take away your sin. It only takes away your guilt.
The guilt may come and go but your sin remains. The Bible says that your sin will find you out (Numbers 32:23). It better not find you lifting your hands in worship with the same hands that unhooked a bra yesterday. Confess it. It better not find you preaching at a congregation with whom you have slept with. Confess it. It better not find you serving the forgiveness bread and blood of the lamb when you haven’t accepted it yourself because of your guilt. Confess it. Repent and confess it to your pastor or to a mature believer who is living the gospel as Jesus said. Let them walk with you toward restoring your relationship with God especially concerning your sexuality. We fear to be condemned but God tells us there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Pray for the right person to talk to and God will bring them your way to help you. Publicize your sin to an accountability structure and it will lose its grip slowly. Privatise your sin and it will eat you up.
There were times when I literally ran away from Turi because God’s voice to flee was clear. There were times when Turi’s intuitions were so strong, she would literally tell me to leave or she would cancel a date that would place us in a compromising situation. And there were times when the temptation to give in overcame our conviction and that’s where accountability saved the day. Be vulnerable to someone. Wipe off the plastic smile, throw the mask and get vulnerable! Turi’s partner was so helpful in keeping us accountable. She passed away in 2011 and Turi had to find others and the Lord provided. He always provides help to his children.
Apart from my accountability partner, I maximized a lot with my friends. I had great neighbours in my hostel that walked in and out like it was their house. It helped a lot because Turi’s hostel and mine were just a stone’s throw distance from each other. I let them know I was born again and I let them know that they were welcome anytime. Some abused the opportunity and sat me up to midnight narrating to me their stories but I was glad, it kept lust away. Some insisted on having my dinner and some insisted on folding origami with me during the weekends. It cost me my sleep but it spared my soul. But your friends do not hold your salvation and your pursuit to sexual purity, the LORD does. When the friends are not there, you have to put your faith to practice. If you’re pursuing purity, you need to be claustrophobic for the sake of your love for God.
There are many out there struggling with guilt like I did. Don’t. Freedom is yours! Do not believe lies like:
God could never forgive this sin. Guess what? He already did 2012 years ago. No sin is too big to forgive if we repent. Get on your knees beloved.
I have already had sex, there’s no point of pursuing purity. There’s always a point! There’s eternal life! There’s purpose and pleasure in Christ that no sexual encounter can match. There’s the next generation! There’s your future spouse. There’s your kids. There’s your soul and there’s the unbeliever who needs your testimony to accept the gospel. Remember, whoever is in Christ is a new creation; the old is gone and the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17). We are defined by where we are going not where we are or where we were. Rise up today and start living a life for Christ!
I am addicted and my boyfriend and I can’t stop having sex. You can and you must. Sex is not a good to trade and feel good about yourself. Love is about giving. You’re receiving; you’re not giving. You don’t love each other. You lust after each other. Jesus has given every beliver the power to overcome addictions. You were bought at a price of blood beloved. Honour God with your body. Some sexual addictions are spiritual problems that need deliverance. The demonic powers of this world are real! While demons can’t possess a believer, they can oppress you heavily. I recommend a deliverance class if you suspect you fall here. But with many, sexual struggles boil down to a discipline problem.
Christ came to set the captives free.
1st John 4:4 says “Greater is the one in you than the one in the world.”
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1st Corinthians 10:13 says: “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” (NLT)
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Titus 2:11-12 says: “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. 12It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,
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Jesus has done a hat-trick in one shot on the cross! But the scores can change because of you. Don’t score own goals! Decide today. There is a power in the universe that is available to you beloved. There is a power stronger than your addictions, stronger then your guilt and stronger than the work of the enemy. That power is a person and his name is Jesus Christ. And there is no condemnation for those who are in him. It’s time to take him seriously and follow him.