We are gathered here today to mourn the untimely death of our dear beloved Self. He was a devoted fornicator, esteemed thief, cherished blasphemer and a wonderful sanctimonious man that we all loved to hate.
Early life and Education
Self was born promptly at the same time his biological body came into this earth. He was empowered by the gloriously sinful iniquities of his forefathers, dating back to Adam. Like many of his contemporaries, Self grew in an egotistical neighborhood with wonderful inward-looking friends like himself. He was a top performing student and showed a lot of selfish promise. His parents always praised his conversations that were only centered on himself. Self, like many exceptional bright students, qualified for higher education in the best of schools. He pursued an undergraduate course in Bachelor of Science in Narcissism and Egocentricism. Self graduated with First Class honours at the International University of Hubris. Shortly after graduating, Self soon started his internship at Flesh Industries Limited. While at Flesh, he acquired the necessary life skills in self-preservation, self-focus and self-aggrandizement.
His skills and passion for himself led him to be promoted and within a few years he held a key managerial position in this esteemed organisation. Self pursued a Masters of Iniquity in Self Deception not long after he started working. He defended his thesis that was titled “How to be a lover of yourself and just do you.” This thesis was published and received commendation the world over. Self’s desperation for seeing his name grow great resulted in writing a book based on his thesis. This best-selling book that has inspired thousands was titled “The 5 most humble men in the world and how I mentored them.” Self later received an honorary doctorate from the Royal University of My Truth for his extended research in self-love, self-importance and the pursuit of sinful happiness.
Self was a gifted opportunist. He never missed the chance to build a name for himself by tearing others down, betraying them or throwing them under the bus when they needed him most. This wonderful survival skill made him successful in garnering no true friends and maintaining many two-faced companions. By the time he was in his early thirties, Self had wonderfully succeeded in having lots in resources yet little in friendships. Self only invested in friendships where he was set to benefit. He ran by the admirable philosophy that money was all that he needed and that people and their problems were incredibly annoying. His hatred for understanding people with personalities that were different from his own opened him up to a beautiful life of loneliness and quality depression.
Marriage and Family Life
Self fell in love. This happened while he was on a holiday at Guilt Trip coast. It was on this exotic lone-ranger island where lavish pity parties are held that he met the love of his life- Self-pity. It was love at first sight. Under the romantic sunset, they fell in love, arguing which of them had suffered the most in this life. If their spirited argument was a competition, Self would take the prize. His new girlfriend (and soon-to-be wife) only allowed him to win because she lacked the enthusiasm and zeal to keep up with this boasting and arrogance. The lovely Self-pity always says that she knew that deep down, she won that argument. She was, after all, an all-time gold champion in the much-participated Victim Olympics. They had so much in common. In fact, they even shared the same name- self. Self pity, his lovely wife, was shy and coy at first. She seemed to never want any attention to herself, but it soon became clear that her shyness was the very tool to get attention on herself. They got married after a short engagement and enjoyed their lives in blissful victimhood and virtue-signalling.
Self and his inward-looking wife moved out of the country after he got a job in Comparison continent. They lived in the city of Envy all their lives and got three children, namely, Jealousy, Offence and Prejudice, who are all mourning his death today.
Faith and Religious Life
Self was a faithful religious devotee and worshipper of himself. He was converted and baptized in the unholy Trinity of Pride the mother, Pride the daughter and Pride the unholy boast. He showed off his devotion and good works in public. He used his social media presence as a means to bully others using passive-aggressive rhetoric and pietistical insistent display of his own experience. He was ever motivated by fear to do the right thing. Self lived for the approval of people.
In a tongue-in-cheek moment, Self once confessed that he could have been or could not have been indulging in some secret sins. If he had been indulging in secret sins, his greatest fear would be to be exposed, for you see, Self worshipped his image and dignity with all his heart. This wonderful example of selfish living is one that he has left for all of us to emulate. Truly, Self was the best amongst us- even he admitted it. He never did anything that demanded sacrifice or discomfort to his sensibilities. He was a true self-made man. All his existence was terrifically centered on his feelings and opinions.
Goodbye and Farewell
Self was taken away from this world by the murderous and bloodthirsty criminal gang called The Gospel. This notorious gang has caused the death of many and has brought our world nothing but hope for redemption and a way to salvation. Self fell victim to this gang after a romantic evening of adultery and debauchery in a private party of his good friend Lust. He left the party early after feeling a bit unwell. CCTV footage shows that he was shortly followed by three friends, Guilt, Shame and Regret, who had a conversation with him just before they parted ways on the street.
Just before he entered his car, a member of The Gospel gang met our brother Self on the street. This gang member was concealing a deadly pistol called Truth. These kind of weapons are banned in our city. Our beloved brother Self was deceived to give this gang member a listening ear, thinking he was asking for direction. At this moment Self was presently joined by Mr. Hardened-heart who had left the same party. Mr. Hardened-heart saw the concealed gun and acted quickly as the gang member reached for it. He managed to tackle the gang member as they fought for the gun. To the surprise of Mr. Hardened-heart, The Gospel gang member pulled out a sharp dagger called love and lodged it in the lower stomach of Self’s defender. The love dagger sunk into Mr. Hardened-heart’s belly and he was pushed to the side, bleeding worldly philosophies on the ground. As soon as he was down, the gang member brutally murdered Mr. Hardened-heart with two bullets of factual truth. Self was horrified at the homicide that happened before his eyes. He tried to run but was shocked to learn that other members of the Gospel gang had surrounded him on that fateful night.
He was punched in the face by one notorious gang member called Doctrine-of-Original-Sin. He was then held down on the ground by twin members of the gang who have been identified by the Police as Futility-of-Good-Works and Doctrine-of-Eternal-Damnation. It was the most-wanted gang leader, Mr. Salvation-by-Grace-Through-Faith who then pummeled our good friend Self to death.
We will miss Self. We will miss his carnal lustful indulgences on the latest movies and television series. We will miss his self-deceived opinion that gluttony and greed are things that affect others and not himself. We will miss his ostentatious lecturing of people he deemed inferior to himself. We will miss he and his wife’s gossiping of people who were more doing better than they were. We will miss his sneers at those who walked in true righteousness. We will miss his excuses to do the right thing by over-explaining where he was coming from. We will miss his murmurs about why most things in this world would run better if he was in charge. We will miss his defensive attitude when required to apologise. We will miss his pretentious compassion coupled with a lack of financial generosity to those that needed his help. We will miss his lack of vulnerability, his vague commitment to demanding tasks, and his impeccable belief that he can learn nothing from younger people. But most of all, we will miss his fault-finding with a Holy God and His Sovereign ways.
We know that the tragic incident of his death has left many in our city worried that this Gospel gang could have his family members targeted. We say this because the gang’s attack was believed to be personal and premeditated. The Gospel gang never succeeds by chance. They are notorious for making calculated moves that bear much fruit. But we remain confident that we shall resist the injustice of this gang that has been in operation for over 2000 years. It was the word of their founder that called for the death of self as a mantra for living. Our Governor Relative-Truth and Mayor False-Tolerance in their speeches have affirmed that they shall not negotiate with these terrorists.
As the family of Self, we would like to thank the Don’t-Judge-Me church community for the persecution fundraiser in partnership with the International Antichrist Foundation, to ensure we get rid of this gang once and for all. We don’t want Self to have died in vain. We know that he is not in a better place and we can only mourn and cherish the memories we never shared with him in the first place. Till we meet again, Self. We loved you, but you loved yourself more.